August 5, 2015
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Difficult people have been trained and taught to act the way they
do since they were children. In fact, they have been rewarded for their
negative behavior throughout their entire lives. Difficult behavior worked for
them as children—and more important, it continues to work for them as adults.
As we grow, we learn to respond to verbal and visual cues and we
begin to adjust our behavior to obtain the positive responses we want. Children
who can manipulate their parents soon learn to enjoy feelings of power and
control over others.
The game of life is basically about "getting our needs
met." And you certainly do play a part! We reward difficult people by
giving in to their needs. Think about it. If someone's behavior is consistently
inappropriate or unacceptable toward you, ask yourself if in any way you are
rewarding their negative behavior.
We have three choices each time we respond to another person: 1.
Be positive; 2. Be negative; 3. Avoid or ignore them. Difficult people see
avoidance as a positive response. When we ignore unacceptable, inappropriate
behavior, it will usually happen again because our avoidance tells the
difficult person that we are willing to accept their behavior.
Difficult people want to do their own thing, in their own time, in
their own way, without interference. In addition, they expect everyone around
them to cooperate—even work extra hard—to ensure that this happens. And they do
not see anything unreasonable about these expectations. There is little in
their experience to signal them that their actions are inappropriate. They also
have little (if any) desire or motivation to change their habits.
We learn a lot from difficult people. We tolerate their behavior
and attitudes as "part of life." We hold back our feelings and
swallow our words. We make concessions even when we do not receive anything in
return. We compromise even when it is 90/10 instead of 50/50. We may even question
our own ability to relate and communicate with others reasoning that
"Maybe it's me."
Since we cannot change difficult people, we can only change
ourselves and our reactions to their behavior. They need our cooperation and
our permission to intimidate, control and repeatedly manipulate us to get their
way. In most relationships, we are treated exactly the way we allow ourselves
to be treated.
The good news is that because we are partly responsible there is
something we can do to create and maintain relationships where we are treated
respectfully. By focusing on ourselves and the changes we can make in our own
behaviors and reactions, we can begin to take control of how other people treat
us.
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